Surviving & Thriving
Volume 1, Number 1: June 2007
www.SurvivingIncest.com
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Toxic Shame
Shame is a sad constant for those of us who experienced childhood sexual abuse, and
overcoming shame is a huge step in the right direction in the healing process.
The Center for Pastoral Counseling of Virginia has made their contribution to helping you heal from shame, Yearning at the Well, available free online. It is an audio recording; full text is also available. Please check it out ... may God bless your recovery from toxic shame.
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Dear Reader,
Thank you for sharing my first newsletter with me. I hope you will find something useful here. If you do, please let me know how it has helped you. If you know of resources that you believe would help others, please let me know, and I will include
them in future newsletters.
This is a humbling endeavor. My goal remains the same: to make sure you know that
you are not alone. It seems that "telling" is a constant theme throughout this newsletter.
For me, telling has freed me ... from shame, from fear of being found out, and from
having to "pretend" to be a "good" person. (I've been told by many who know me that
I simply am a good person ... I don't have to "pretend" to be one. I can believe
that a lot of the time now.) If you're thinking about telling, see the last article in this issue: Before you tell ...
Finally, I have set up a discussion forum for visitors to my website. Please stop by and share your thoughts.
Blessings,
SCW
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Telling My Mother
In my May 24th blog entry, I told you about deciding to tell my mother. June 7th is the day; it will happen that evening. I'd appreciate your prayers. I will actually be teaching my Executive Decision Making class to twenty-two masters-level students at the time, so I covet your prayers for my mother, my sisters, me, and my students.
It seems like that day will never come; yet, it also seems best to wait until then
because that is when my sisters can both be together with my mother. I will keep
you posted on how it goes.
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Telling My Story ... Selling My Story
As most of you know, I have published my story. While it was certainly cathartic
to get it out in the open, my other goal was to make it available to others who might
be facing a similar journey. I fear that each of us who endured the horrors of childhood
sexual abuse and/or incest feels very alone ... like no one knows our shame ... like
no one knows our pain ... like no one knows our fear of being "found out" as someone
who did "that."
When I started my journey toward hope and healing, I surfed the web in hopes of finding magic answers. Sadly, there are no magic answers. I do very much believe, though, that each of us can find hope and healing through hard work, tears, and pain. For me, the hard work, tears, and pain were -- and continue to be -- worth it. I know
the joy of liking myself. I know the peace of feeling like I am good enough. I have found a calmness that I didn't know before.
Certainly telling my story didn't solve all my problems; I still have bad days now
and then ... I think everyone has a bad day now and then. I do believe that telling
my story has helped me continue down the right road for me. I am selling my story
in hopes that someone else may find it and know that she or he is not alone.
Click here to read more about my book. I'd certainly appreciate it if you bought a copy; I use the proceeds to defray the costs of maintaining this website and publishing this newsletter.
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Before you tell ...
If you are planning to tell someone about your abuse, make sure you take care of
yourself first. Remember, it was not your fault ... you were not the bad one. Not only is it absolutely okay to take care of yourself, it is mandatory that you do
so ... especially if you are going to tell your story.
Before I proceed, I want to remind you that I am not a mental health professional,
and these guidelines should be in no way construed as professional advice. I am
only a fellow survivor, and these guidelines have helped me as I've told various
people about my past.
(1) Think about your motive for telling. Are you seeking support? ... understanding?
... revenge? ... vindication? ... freedom? It is absolutely true that childhood sexual
abuse and incest are among the most heinous of crimes; yet, I'm not sure that justifies
hurtful behavior in response. That is, I'm not sure two wrongs can make a right.
Make sure you know why you're telling, and make sure you believe you're telling for
the right reasons.
(2) Think about your listener. Why do you want to tell this person? This is probably
closely related to your motive, but it is also important to think about how much
you trust your listener ... about whether or not your listener will understand the
sacred nature of your opening up to him/her ... about how your listener will treat
the information you are about to divulge.
(3) Think about the response you really want and the one you fear the most. You
may not get either, but it is okay -- and even good self-care -- to ask your listener
not to give you the response you fear the most before you tell him/her your story.
For example, when I told my sister, I asked that she not respond immediately by
telling me that she didn't believe me. I told her it was okay if she didn't believe
me, but that I did not want that to be the first thing she said to me when I told
her.
(4) Think about what might happen next time you see your listener. Will it be awkward?
You may need to help your listener understand ways in which he/she can support you
in the days to come. It is okay to ask for what you want. You may not always get
it, but it is okay to ask.
May God bless you in your decisions about whom and when to tell. Secrets contribute
to shame, and telling can help free us from the confines of guilt and shame. Telling
can also be very scary. May you know when and whom to tell and when not to tell.
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This is the end of my first newsletter. I'd love to know what you think and what
you'd like to see in future months.
Blessings,
SCW
SurvivingIncest.com